Category Archives: Humor

Shape Shifting: Rebooting after a long, hard summer

I live in Arizona, where the summers are indescribably hot. Novelties like cups and t-shirts with this sentiment are common:

This is how that sentiment makes me feel:

Suffice to say, I am ecstatic to see September finally arrive. It’s been a long, hot summer. To make it worse, I’ve been experiencing the internal hell of perimenopausal hot flashes. Half the time I feel like I’m filled with red-hot lava. The other half of the time, I’m picking myself up from where I collapsed, due to the lava.

Anyway, enough with the silliness. Yesterday, Labor Day, I gave the house a good fall cleaning and saw my face in the mirror, as if for the first time in months. I was shocked by how old and tired I looked. It reminded me of a summer, years ago, when I experienced something similar. I wrote about it in my book, Shape Shifting–reclaiming your perfect body. Here is an excerpt:

I happen to have an example of shape shifting from real life to show what I’m talking about.

A recent summer was a rough one, one that made me look and feel really old. On top of our everyday lives, with their everyday stressors, my husband Jeff and I experienced several explosive events, the kinds that individually would have been enough to make anybody cry out to the heavens, “God, why do you hate me?” In addition, we were physically exhausted after, due to those events, living for three months in the Florida summer with no air conditioning and moving from one house to another twice! I also had a job that brought me to tears on a fairly regular basis because it was so disgusting and loathsome. You wouldn’t believe the details if I told you, but take my word for it: this was an exceedingly painful few months—one of the hardest periods of my entire life.

After we moved for the final time, and things seemed to have settled down, I finished unpacking and finally breathed a sigh of relief in our new, air-conditioned place. With a fresh perspective and newly reopened eyes, I caught my reflection in the mirror and was horrified by what I saw. There were deep lines in my face that looked as though they had been etched in with a chisel and a heavy hand. I was pale and wan, and had dark circles under my eyes. My hair was dull and frizzy and I was all hunched over, like a beaten dog. In addition, my body ached all over. I was actually frightened by how much I had aged in such a brief time.

It suddenly occurred to me what had happened. I had allowed all of the “external” events and circumstances to take their toll on my physical body. Honestly, in retrospect, I don’t think I could have prevented it because I was so deeply immersed in the hell that had become my life—I felt very distant from my soul that summer. However, I realized that, in that brief period of time, I had packed years worth of living and learning into a concentrated package. I had previously, and impatiently, asked for accelerated spiritual growth and I got it! I may have matured ten years mentally, emotionally and spiritually, but I didn’t have to let it show physically! So I decided to see if I could erase it from my face, just for fun. No harm in trying, right?

I didn’t really expect it to work. I was mostly just goofing around. I was feeling good, with all of the drama behind me, and was finally comfortable, safe and able to relax. It was more of a lighthearted effort with no real process. I simply decided to relax my muscles and let go of all the stress. I reminded myself to smile and to rejoice in the fact that all was well again. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, allowing the inner me to come forth.

Much to my amazement, it worked! As I opened my eyes and watched my face in the mirror, the lines went away and my color returned to normal. The hag in the mirror was magically transformed into the youthful and energetic person that I remembered being, a long time ago (three months ago). Lest you think it was just my imagination, Jeff even noticed the difference, when he came home later. He agreed that it looked like ten years had been removed. He had good reason for saying that—it had been removed!

“Big deal,” you say? It was a big deal. Remember how, when you were little, your mom told you not to make faces because your face might stick that way? She didn’t realize how right she was. If I hadn’t released the stress, and had continued to carry it around with me, my face would have indeed frozen that way and carried that age with it for the rest of my life—or at least until such time as I chose to release it.

This may seem like an elementary example, but it’s a perfect one. The point is, this is what I’m talking about—our thoughts, worries, actions and lives in general do have an affect on our bodies! Maybe it’s time we started to pay attention to what we’re creating in every moment!

I was surprised to discover that the same thing had happened, again. The details of this past summer were different from the one I wrote about, but I still saw myself in the mirror looking old and wretched.

So what I decided to do, as I cleaned that mirror, was to imagine that my Windex/rag combo was wiping away all of the damage done to my face. I allowed myself to relax and let go of the stress of the summer. I reminded myself that cooler weather is on its way, and I watched some of the age and worry drain fade away.

It really does work. Give it a try sometimes.

Kindle fans: “Be Careful What You Witch For!” is back!

be careful front cover I recently wrote a blog about one on my books being pirated for use as a torrent. My issue wasn’t that my work was being stolen, it was that I had taken that book off the market because I was rewriting it. Well, I’ve republished it. It’s available again (both in paperback and ebook), because I’ve changed my mind.

Fans of Lola and Twink will be happy to know that I’m moving forward with the sequel, and writing it in the third person, with a planned publication date of Halloween, October 31, 2014. That’s five years to the day since the first book in the series–hopefully Book 3 won’t take that long to get out there (life got a little nuts between then and now).

Book 1–as is–will be the only one written in Lola’s voice. It was Lola Garnett’s diary, written while trying to figure out, with the help of a pissed off faery sidekick, how she woke up with powerful psychic abilities and how to use them to stop the crazy bitch across the street from destroying her life.

In the sequel, which is written in the third person, Lola has become more comfortable with her abilities and life has settled into a modicum of normalcy again. She starts taking classes at the local New Age book shops and learns to journey “across the veil” into the other realms.

Hijinks, of course, ensue when she becomes entangled with an extremely attractive mystery man, on the other side, and Twink, who is finally allowed to come home after paying her penance by helping Lola, can’t seem to find her way there. Lola is once again challenged to solve life’s puzzles and challenges, while working with powers she doesn’t understand. (More details to come.)

If you haven’t yet read Be Careful What You Witch For!, it’s only $2.99 at the Kindle Store. If you’re already a fan, you might want to subscribe to my blog so you’ll receive updates and notifications about Book 2.

See ya then!

 


BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WITCH FOR!
twinklowres Meet Lola Garnett, a bored housewife, mom and office drone who develops strange psychic abilities overnight with no instruction manual, and Twink, the reluctant, sarcastic fairy assigned to assist and educate her. In this first book in the series, middle-aged Lola Garnett has resigned herself to an unsatisfying life of servitude as a wife, mother and office drone. The American dream she’s living feels more like a coma, and she secretly longs for a more meaningful life. In a perfect demonstration of “be careful what you wish for” she gets her wish when she wakes up from a nap one day with extrasensory abilities and powers. What she doesn’t Lola Garnettknow is that her condition is the result of a botched spell coming from across the street, where her wanna-be-witch neighbor, Melinda Underwood, is foolishly playing with powers she doesn’t understand. Lola’s untrained intuition tells her that Melinda intends to use her equal, yet opposite, powers for evil against innocent people. With the help of a tiny, sarcastic, ethereal sidekick, Lola overcomes her helpless resignation to overthrow Melinda’s evil plot and in the meantime, finds her own self worth.

REVIEWS:

5.0 out of 5 stars
What a fun book! I thoroughly enjoyed reading this book and found that I did not want to put it down. I loved the charactors and the story in general. Many times throughout the book I felt like I could be Lola! I will be anxious to see the next book in the series! Thanks for such an enjoyable read. I passed it on to a friend who is another ‘aspiring witch’! 🙂

5.0 out of 5 stars
Lisa Bonnice is a master at creating interesting, quirky characters. I thoroughly enjoyed this book from start to finish and could not put it down. I found it to be witty, amusing, intelligent, and edgy. I especially loved it because unlike many books that deal with metaphysical subjects, it has a sense of playful irreverence. The protaganist is a “mainstream” person who is a complete novice when it comes to psychic phenomenon, which makes the story refreshing,fun, and lighthearted. I can’t wait until the next book in the series is completed. I’ll be the first in line to buy it.

5.0 out of 5 stars

This book was both fun and thought-provoking….a page-turner that leaves you wanting more (and looking forward to the next installment!) It works on many levels, first as the story of Lola, an ordinary woman who is coming to grips with her own strengths and weaknesses, beliefs and self-doubts, while coping with the day-to-day issues of marriage, family and work. It is also a unique fantasy/fable that takes you along on a journey with Lola as she learns to cope, with the help of her own higher self and her reluctant fairy side-kick, Tink, with her burgeoning new paranormal gifts and the unexpected, confusing, and often hilarious side-effects that they have on her life.

5.0 out of 5 stars

I love this book. Lisa Bonnice has managed to address the fears of anyone who is exploring their own abilities for the first time and give us the ability to laugh at ourselves and then step back and look a little deeper into our own souls. Written with humor and depth. This is a must read for anyone who is looking for that great “bathtub book” or a good reason to curl up with a warm blanket and a hot cup of coffee. You will find yourself laughing not only at Lola but also at yourself as Lola bumbles through as many of us really have done in exploring our own paths. While the book has some moments of comedic genuis but when you finish the book and find yourself missing the characters, you will also find that there were some wonderful life lessons along the way.

 5.0 out of 5 stars
Love It!
This is one of those stories that entertains while making you step back and think. Lola is every woman who has ever found herself in a place of not knowing who she is or why she is here.Lola’s journey into self discovery and spirituality, left me with the desire to really step back and take a look at myself while being excited to find out what they next part of the journey will be.The story is told with both humor, compassion and wisdom.I certainly hope there will be more adventures with Lola and Twink.

The Goddess of Hummingbirds

I have two hummingbird feeders hanging from my second floor balcony. I love sitting out there and watching all of the birds in the nearby tree, but I especially love watching the hummingbirds.

I love the view from my patio.

I love the view from my patio.

I didn’t know, before I hung the first feeder (I started with the one on the far left), that hummingbirds are extremely territorial and downright vicious when it comes to protecting their food source.

One bird in particular laid claim to the feeder and wouldn’t let anyone else near it. He would sit on a nearby branch, chirping, and at first I thought he was singing a song of hummingbird happiness, “Look at all the food! Isn’t life grand? Hey, Other Hummingbirds, look what I found! Come join me!”

But once I Googled “hummingbird behavior” I discovered that what he’s really saying is, “This food is mine, bitches! You come near, you die!”

Say hello to my little friend.

Say hello to my little friend.

Whoa. Not so friendly.

So I bought another feeder and hung it at the other end of the patio, hoping that some of the other hummingbirds in the area would get a chance to eat.

I was wrong. That little bugger sits up in the tree, practically screaming, like Daffy Duck in Ali Baba’s cave, “Mine! Mine! Mine!” Any bird that dares approach gets dive bombed and chased away.

It’s funny to watch how the other birds seem to work together: “I’ll distract him, while you go get a quick sip. Then it’s your turn to have my back.” Meantime, Mr. Grabby spends his entire existence chasing and screaming, to protect an overabundance of food. He never gets a chance to relax and enjoy.

I wonder if that’s how the Universe works. It gives me all I need, and enjoys doing so, but I’m too busy stressing out and protecting what’s “Mine!” to notice. What if I’m sitting on my branch, freaking out whenever it looks like someone else is dipping into what I feel is a limited supply? After all, once in a while those feeders get empty and then they disappear for what feels like an eternity.

What if, while my feeders are gone–and it feels like the world has come to an end because my supply has disappeared–it’s just because the Big U is cleaning them and cooking up a new batch of sugar water for me?

World’s least effective sales pitch …

Vanilla Hazelnut Latte

(Photo credit: KelvinSnaps)

Just a quick rant today, to get this off my chest. I want ad agencies to know that this too-common sales pitch has the exact opposite of their desired effect: “For the cost of a latte a day, you can have (insert product name here) …”.

Here’s why that line actually turns me against buying the product.

  1. I don’t drink lattes.
  2. If I did, don’t try to guilt trip me into giving them up, as if they’re a luxury I can do without.
  3. Lattes are expensive! A latte a day adds up. Ipso facto, your product is expensive!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to make myself a cup of tea.

Here’s you a dog … in a cup.

Why I need a new camera/phone

Black-chinned Hummingbird -- Moab, Utah, USA

This is what I saw. This is NOT what my camera saw. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

While out for my morning walk, I saw a hummingbird. Right there. In front of me. Not three feet away. It was zipping around a flowering bush next to the sidewalk, from flower to flower, apparently not minding at all that I was there. I took out my cell phone to triumphantly take my first photo of a hummingbird.

I was so happy. I’ve NEVER been able to get this close to a hummingbird before and have a camera on me at the same time. BLISS!

It seemed to become nervously aware of my presence, but I felt like it sensed how important this was to me. It shimmered while it tried to stay still for me, as I zoomed in and focused the camera. I held my breath and then … snap … snap … two shots! Awesome! Now I was sure to have at least one really good photo of a hummingbird.

Pfffft.

This is the better photo, of the two. It looks like a Where’s Waldo? picture. Can you find the hummingbird? Betcha can’t.

There is a hummingbird in this photo. I promise. I can see it, but only because I know exactly where to look.

There is a hummingbird in this photo. I promise.
I can see it, but only because I know exactly where to look.

Aside from my cell phone camera, I have a Canon PowerShot that I bought a few years ago for about $100. It’s done a nice job for me, overall, considering I’m not a professional photographer. I don’t need anything fancy–just a reliable, good-quality camera to carry around with me for impromptu moments of breathtaking beauty. But, my camera is kind of old and bulky and the new ones are light and sleek. And I never have figured out how to work all the settings–it’s not intuitive enough for me.

So between my search for a new cell phone and a new camera before our trip to Blackpool next summer, I’m hoping to combine the two as well and get a phone with a good camera–hopefully, one that can handle the occasional once-in-a-lifetime hummingbird pic.

Granted, a lot of this is operator error. Even with an excellent camera, that’s not a great photo. But birds really don’t pose, do they? I was lucky to even get this close. On the other hand, other people manage to capture brilliant photos of hummingbirds, don’t they? Part of the problem is that I couldn’t see the screen because of the sun behind me, and I wasn’t wearing my glasses. Even so, there should be some semblance of a bird in this picture.

Gaaah. I’m rambling. I’ll stop now. Just wanted to make a note of this so I remember what I want–a camera that has an easy-to-see screen–when it’s finally time to shop. We won’t be making any big purchases for a few months. Right now I’m just wish-listing.

P.S.:  Here’s Waldo …

Here's Waldo

Here’s Waldo

An Old Broad goes High Tech — Vlog 1

Here is my very first Vlog! Woohoo! Lisa steps into the 21st century! I transcribed it for those of you who hate watching videos online, or whose browser–like mine–always crashes the Flash player and makes watching videos hell.

Hi. I’m an old lady, and this is my old lady phone. It’s a prepaid Net10 Samsung T401G, and it’s been perfectly fine, for my purposes. I work from home, so I really only use it for the occasional call while I’m out running errands, or minor things like that.

It has decent text capability, but the browser is practically useless. It’s better than nothing, but it’s really sort of a dinosaur these days.With the trip abroad that Jeff and I are planning next summer, we’re both going to need better phones, cameras and computers, and I don’t want to wait until the last minute to do this. So now I’m starting to research what would be the best phone and service to replace my current one.

I’m leaning toward Credo Mobile, because I like what they stand for, that they are working toward progressive social change. So I’d like to toss my business their way. The question is, is it affordable? I’ll get back to you on what I find out.

I’m also starting to shop around for cameras and computers, and will be posting future blogs on those, so if you’re in the market for that kind of thing, and have advice to share, chime on in!

Miley thinks Blackpool is weird

This article, headlined, “Miley Cyrus calls Blackpool the ‘weirdest place she has ever been’, people of Blackpool revolt on Twitter” gives me cause to smile.

http://uk.omg.yahoo.com/gossip/the-juice/miley-cyrus-blackpool-weirdest-place-she-has-ever-been-blackpool-twitter-103053980.html

I’m not going to say anything bad about Miley Cyrus. She’s a kid, and I’ve matured enough to know better than to take easy pot shots at a young celeb. But I will say that I’m glad that this child, with her particular taste in lifestyle, doesn’t like a place I am itching to visit.

I can’t wait to get to Blackpool. 😀

Is this a clue?

A clue! A clue!  (I liked Steve best.)

A clue! A clue!
(Joe was fine, but I liked Steve best.)

Sometimes I wish that the Universe would make its messages easier to decipher. I recognize that coincidences and synchronicities reveal patterns in the chaos, but the meaning of that pattern isn’t always clear. My daughters and I oftentimes kid that we wish the Big U would leave a big blue pawprint to show us, “Yes, this is definitely a clue.”

Sometimes the clues don’t make sense because they’re nothing more than seeing lots of number sequences on clocks and license plates, etc. Doreen Virtue has a list of meanings that these number sequences have, but I don’t always have that list handy, so the message isn’t concise. I may be wrong but I believe that things like this, the ones that don’t have a specific message, are simply there to show we’re on the right track. Our actions and overall vibe are in alignment with where we want to be heading. We see these things because everything is ticking along nicely, all lined up.

Sometimes it’s hearing the same song over and over, in strange places, until you finally listen to the lyrics and hear what the clue is trying to tell you. Sometimes you just happen to open a book to a page that shows you the exact information you were looking for. Sometimes the clues make perfect sense, like the ones I’ve been writing about lately, with the tea party, or the fact that Blackpool is coming up in conversation with people who have no good reason to bring it up.

I have a new one that I haven’t yet figured out, but it’s certainly got  my attention. Here’s some background:

I recently started reading John Steinbeck‘s The Grapes of Wrath for the first time. I know, I know–someone my age should have read it by now. Bare minimum, how did I get through school without being forced to read it? I don’t know. Somehow I’ve managed to avoid reading what I assumed was an incredibly depressing story about dirt and poverty. In any case, I’m almost done reading (it’s brilliant–Steinbeck is dazzling–but that’s not today’s subject).

Last week I watched Louis C.K.‘s latest HBO special, and out of nowhere he started talking about The Grapes of Wrath. What are the odds of that happening? Seriously. How weird is that? What an amazing coincidence! (But then he blew the ending! He told how it ends! I even tweeted to him to let him know he ruined the book for me.)

“I don’t mean to ruin that book for you, but you should have read it by now.”
(Do not watch if you’re easily offended or haven’t read the Grapes of Wrath.)

I’m almost done reading, and I’ve learned a lot from the Joad family and their struggles. I’ve made a lot of connections between what they experienced and today’s economy. I have a new, non-sexist view of why there was such thing as “men’s work” and “women’s work.” My understanding of social structure has been vastly broadened.

Most importantly, this book has taught me that an Oklahoma accent causes a girl named Rose of Sharon to be called “Rosasharn.” That name has been stuck in my head, like an earworm, since I began reading the book.

So imagine my surprise when I went for my morning walk today and happened upon this:

rose of sharon

Aside from this book, or out shopping for plants, I never hear of Rose of Sharon. It’s not a well-known flower. And I’ve never seen a truck with that company name before, that I can recall anyway. It’s not a local company.

rose of sharon clueI have no idea what this clue means, but I wouldn’t mind if Louis C.K. spoiled the ending for me! But, hey, if you look real close, peeking out the window, here’s you a dog. And a blue pawprint.

Okay, this is getting weird

Ever since Jeff and I have decided to make this trip to the UK actually happen, things have been falling into place in fun and bizarre ways. Here is the latest:

In a scene from the BBC mini-series Blackpool, David Tennant‘s character, DI Peter Carlisle, interviews Hailey, the prostitute, (played beautifully by Lisa Millet) about the murder of Mike Hooley. The interview takes place, I’m assuming, in the famous Blackpool Ballroom, with the also famous Wurlitzer organ being played in the background. Carlisle is interviewing all of the local hookers, and has invited them to neutral ground and supplied a nice tea.

Lisa Millet, as Hailey, and David Tennant as detective Peter Carlisle, having tea and questions in the Blackpool Ballrom

Lisa Millet, as Hailey, and David Tennant as DI Peter Carlisle, having tea and questions about sex and death in the Blackpool Ballroom.

One of the things we (well, I … Jeff doesn’t know it yet) intend to do while in Blackpool is have tea and pastries, like Hailey and Carlisle, at the Blackpool Ballroom, hopefully sitting in the same spot and getting a picture or two.

Because having tea in England is not like it is here (usually at a McDonald’s drive-thru) I have no idea of the proper etiquette and I’ve been doing some research so that I’ll know how to behave. 😉

Here comes the amazing synchronicity. Last week, a friend asked me to meet her for lunch somewhere in Mesa, a city about 45 minutes away from here. Because it’s a long drive, I plugged my iPod into the car speakers and listened to a playlist. Yep, I played the Blackpool soundtrack (obsess much? you betcha!). One of the songs is “I Second that Emotion”:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQ22McAHs3E

Imagine my surprise when I walked into the place we were meeting, and that song–which I haven’t heard, aside from the soundtrack, in many years–was playing on the radio.

But wait! There’s more!

My friend, who has no idea that I’m planning this trip, had a surprise for me. It was an English-style tea party, complete with manners and etiquette lessons. Let me reiterate that she had no idea that I was wanting to learn this very specific and unusual thing.

Boom. Out of the blue. Just like that. I now know how to not embarrass myself once we hit the shores of a country where drinking tea is like breathing.

And I learned that I love Earl Grey tea!

Psychic Dreams

My most recent blog, about our planned trip to Blackpool, England, has indirectly caused me to realize that this trip will be the fulfillment of a longtime series of very specific recurring dreams. I’ve been dreaming about Blackpool for years, but didn’t recognize it!

I used to dream about Florida, long before Jeff and I ever thought of moving there, and once we arrived I was able to recognize scenes from various dreams as they were happening in real life. It’s so weird to have them come true like that, when I didn’t even know what they are showing me. I remember a Florida dream about a garden near a swimming pool, with statues and spiritual symbols in it. It turned out to be a serenity garden in which Jeff and I got married.

laserium control console

The control panel in my dream looked a lot like this one. Image Source: http://www.patrickmccray.com/2015/01/

The first psychic dream that I can remember coming true took place in approximately 1989. I had a bizarre dream that took place in a darkened room, where there was a big, black control panel and weird geometrical shapes of light in the air. Because I had never seen anything like it before, it was kind of scary and I thought I was nuts. Why on earth would I be dreaming about something so alien?

Then in the mid 90s I started working for Laserium and my boss was Ivan Dryer, the pioneer in the laser concert industry, who performed the very first laser show at Griffith Observatory in the 70s (you can read all about it by clicking the link under the photo of the control panel). Ivan asked the laserist in the studio to give me a demonstration of what they do. It didn’t take long for me to  recognized the laserist’s control panel and the geometrical light shapes in the air!

I’ve also dreamed a lot about New York City and somewhere in Great Britain. The New York dreams are coming much more frequently lately, and I have a feeling I’ll be there before the end of the year. For what reason, I do not know.

The exciting thing to me, now, is the dreams of the UK because a puzzle piece has just fallen into place. The dreams never told me exactly where they occurred. I have just been shown that someday I’d be there, near the water, and Ireland entered into it somehow.

But get this. In most of the dreams about the UK, I always saw something unrecognizable embedded into the ground, like tiles or patterns in concrete. Weird dreams. These tiles were set into a circular pad of cement. I could always sense waves nearby and I knew that Ireland was related somehow. I’ve never been able to pinpoint what the dreams were about, but they definitely included this water’s-edge, weird-patterned tilework.

Comedy Carpet viewed from the top of the tower - Picture of Comedy Carpet, Blackpool

This photo of Comedy Carpet is courtesy of TripAdvisor

Well, I’ve just discovered where in England those seaside tiles are–in a town I’ve only recently heard of, Blackpool. In my research about the town, in an effort to manifest this trip, I just happened to stumble upon this photo.

The tiles (which aren’t really tiles, it is a concrete and granite installation which features catchphrases and jokes by more than 1,000 comedians and writers)  are called the Comedy Carpet.  (More irony: Jeff and I met when we were both professional standup comedians.) You can see the circular cement pad, and the waves crashing onto the shore. And, Blackpool is on the Irish Sea.

I am blown away to finally learn where in England I’ve been dreaming about for so very many years, and that I was unintentionally planning a trip there! Wow!!!

Oddly, the Comedy Carpet wasn’t installed yet when the movie Blackpool (the inspiration for this trip, starring David Tennant–the Tenth Doctor in Doctor Who, Sarah Parish and David Morrissey) was filmed, so I wasn’t aware that there was a connection to my dream tiles when I saw the movie and began to plan this trip. In fact, I’d been having dreams about the “tiles” for many years before they existed.

I wasn’t even thinking about these dreams when I started to plan our trip to Blackpool recently. In fact, I had completely forgotten about the dreams until I saw photos of the Comedy Carpet. I can’t help thinking that there is a much bigger purpose behind this trip than Jeff and I just having a fun lark-about abroad. I can’t wait to find out what it is!