Category Archives: Uncategorized

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON THE NING SITE ON MAY 1, 2009 (I’m moving old posts from that site, which is closing down, to my WordPress blog):

Ya know that resistance I wrote about in my most recent blog? I’m beginning to wonder if I misinterpreted it. I saw all of the overpowering circumstances that were keeping me from working out as my own resistance to exercising, or getting in shape, or … something! I’ve been pondering, meditating, journaling, etc., and I think what’s actually happening is more of a “hitting bottom” kind of thing.

In the days that followed that post, life got even worse. My emotional state was in turmoil and I spent a lot of time being furious with myself and “the Universe” for bringing the vertigo back into my life. I was mad as hell that what I thought was behind me, what I worked so hard to release, was still sticking to me like a slimy coating that wouldn’t wash off.

As I frantically tried to figure out what was going on, I mentally sifted through the events of the past month and was able to see that the pattern wasn’t pointing to me being blocked, it actually feels more like I’m being pulled back as far as I can be, like a slingshot about to be released. It seems to be more a case of not being “ready” yet to begin rebuilding because the old rubble hasn’t been removed yet.

My frustration lay in the fact that I’m now paying for a membership at Curves that I’m not using. I was afraid that I was allowing these circumstances to become my new set of excuses to not go. But I think I’m on to something here. It feels right. I will continue to keep my eye on the prize, making this my goal. I was overshooting my target. I thought the target was a toned body (it is, but that’s further away than I can reach with this slingshot) but in actuality, my first target to hit is a regular, habitual exercise practice.

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON THE NING SITE ON APRIL 27, 2009 (I’m moving old posts from that site, which is closing down, to my WordPress blog):

I’m back in town again. We had a great week camping. Lots of interesting things came up … well, interesting to me anyway … that I’ll write about later. But what’s really vexing me right now is something that I discovered while using my Shape Shifter’s Daily Diary (yes, that’s a mild sales pitch). While doing my 4-Week Reality Check/Goal Tweak, I noticed a pattern of resistance that is blowing my mind!

As I’ve written about in the past, it has been very difficult for me to exercise because I have been dealing with vertigo most of my life. Recently, because I finally received medical insurance when Jeff and I got married, I was able to have it treated and it was gone for the first time in over six years. I felt incredible. I could move my head and live my life, like everyone else.

I also recently joined Curves because, as a result of the magical medical care I finally had access to, I finally felt well enough to work out again.

But within a week of signing up and starting to work out every other day, I was smacked down with a major upper respiratory infection that was so powerful I actually ended up in the ER. I was sick for two weeks … too sick to go to Curves.

Then, the following week, Mother Nature called with her monthly dose of “Don’t even THINK of wearing white this week! And, oh yeah. Don’t dream of doing anything strenuous like working out, or I’ll ruin everything you’re wearing, in public.”

The week after that, Jeff and I went out of town for a week. No gym there!

So now we’re home and I’m itching to go. I’m actually wanting to get to Curves and get back to work. I was feeling really good about going before all these distractions.

However, I woke up two days ago with the vertigo back in place, and no insurance (read the previous blogs if you’re interested in that story). Therefore, now I’m too freaking sick to go to the freaking gym!

I can’t help but think there is way more to this than just “coincidence.” Right? I’m gonna have to meditate on this for a while to get to the bottom of what is the underlying story.

I was raised Catholic, but left the Church long ago. It made me feel bad about myself, because of a misfortune at birth—I was born a girl. My parents both went to parochial schools and my dad went to a Jesuit college. I managed to dodge that bullet (it was too expensive for them to send four kids). However, I still managed to absorb an unhealthy amount of guilt and shame because Mom and Dad were immersed in it during their formative years, so that’s how they raised us and how they continue to live their own lives.

I am what some might call a “New Ager.” The last officially sanctioned Catholic action in my life was my First Confession. I don’t recall how old I was, but it was during elementary school. Needless to say, I didn’t have a whole lot to confess (I remember that one of the “sins” I confessed to is that I didn’t clean my room), but the concept of the necessity to do so was still deeply ingrained even if I did rebel against it. I didn’t even realize that it was still there until very recently.

Last week I was talking to my dear friend Vickie and it was my turn to dominate the conversation (we take turns, so we each get an equal chance to vent). The essence of what I told I told her was that, even though I felt ready to take the next step upward into a much higher spiritual and energetic vibration in order to claim the good that I came here to do, I didn’t feel worthy to do so because of things I’ve done in my past that might come back to haunt me if I dared to declare myself “clean.”

She said something that really made me think. She said that, of all the people she knows, no one has as many self-doubts as I. No one she knows can—in the same breath—talk of being soul connected and aligned with Spirit, with an understanding of the Ascension process, and then throw it all directly down the crapper by expressing fear of karmic punishment for past misdeeds.

I’ve been pondering this for a few days. It made me feel good to know that so many other people (she has a wide circle of friends) do not live with this feeling of “I suck!” because then I know I’m the one who’s unusual—I’m the one with something big to change.

But how? I have been battling this my whole life—this underlying, sinister feeling of “Don’t even think of getting too big for your britches, little missy, because you are a sinner, sinner, SINNER! God will get you if you even THINK you’re guilt-free without groveling for forgiveness and paying penance, atoning for every single little thing you’ve done! God will send people from your past to take you down to your knees, to remind you that you’re dirt.”

It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps it would be a good idea to go to Confession, after all these years, to be absolved of everything once and for all, even if I no longer belong to the Church or even know where the closest Catholic Church is, for that matter. After all, this is how my early training told me to get clean so I can move forward. It might be a good psychological exercise, even if I don’t ever do it again.

But then I thought, “Naaaah.” The Church and I no longer speak the same language. No priest can offer me the kind of absolution I desire. So, instead, I had the conversation in my head, during an extremely peaceful and lucid meditation last night. It went something like this:

ME
Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been about a thousand years since my last Confession.

PRIEST
Funny, you don’t look that old. Go ahead, my child.

ME
Well, I’ve pretty much broken every Commandment at least once, some more than others.

PRIEST
Every Commandment? You’ve been very busy.

ME
(consulting the list of Commandments, to double check)
Oh … wait … there are a few that I haven’t broken. I’ve never murdered anyone or coveted my neighbor’s wife or ass. But the rest, yeah.

PRIEST
Do tell.

ME
Actually, I’m not so much worried about the first one, about worshipping other gods. I’ve come to the realization that there is only One source of divinity, which goes by many names. I believe that each religion longs for connection with the same divinity behind the filter of each one’s understanding of All That Is. I understand that what “God” is, is really Love and as long as I choose to live through the filter of Love, then I have no other “God” before “Him.”

PRIEST
Okay, I can buy that.

ME
(surprised)
Really? Cool. Okay, I’ve taken God’s name in vain on a daily basis. I swear like a trucker and saying “God damn it,” is a regular part of my vocabulary. However, I know that when I say it, I’m not actually calling upon God to damn something or someone; it’s just a meaningless expression to me. I think using the name of God in vain actually means asking for the power of the One to harm another or asking for Its help to do something that I don’t need help for, sort of wasting the gift, as it were.

PRIEST
Yes, but don’t you see that as long as you use the word “God,” you are still calling upon that higher power, even if you don’t mean to do so, even if you don’t believe this is what you’re doing? That is still using His name in vain. Unless you erase, in your mind, the connection between the word “God” and some sort of higher power, you’re still activating the launch sequence, as it were.

ME
Good point. I never thought of it that way.

PRIEST
Good. Now go on.

ME
Okay. I’m going to skip past a few of these other Commandments, because I don’t feel like I need to unburden myself with them. I mean, I’ve worked on Sundays, and dishonored my parents, but I feel like I’ve made up for them both. The same goes for any cheating, stealing or lying I may have done. Actually, come to think of it, most of my guilt doesn’t directly stem from the Commandments, it comes from not being a very good parent sometimes, and some other things that I feel too ashamed to even tell you about—things I may have experimented with or things I’ve done out of desperation, taking immoral and mildly illegal shortcuts that didn’t work out the way I expected them to.

Frankly, Father, I don’t feel that I need to confess about any parenting mistakes, because at the time I was always doing the best I knew how to do and if I’d known then what I know now, I would have done things very, very differently. I feel like God forgives me, but I can’t seem to forgive myself.

PRIEST
If you truly felt that God forgives you, then you would have no need to forgive yourself. You would feel washed clean of any sin, and joyous in the knowledge that you have grown in Spirit.

ME
Yes, but I see the damage that I’ve done to my kids. I see how my wrong actions have led them down paths of self-abuse and self-destruction in various ways. I see how what I taught them, through example, has caused no end of grief in their lives. It tears me up when they bring up past incidents that caused them great pain and harm, knowing that I was responsible for teaching them to think in such a way that still attracts painful and harmful circumstances to them.

PRIEST
Weren’t you still learning, yourself? How could you have done otherwise, when you didn’t yet know otherwise? We each have our own paths, with our own crosses to bear. Our parents are the ones who set us off on those paths and supply us with those crosses. This is why we honor our Mother and our Father, because they voluntarily take on the burden of being the heavy, the one who takes all the blame for our problems until we find our true path to the God of Love. Without the obstacles our parents set up for us, there is no path to self-discovery. So if you truly do honor your Mother and your Father for their sacrifice, then you will also honor the Mother in yourself. Perhaps you really do need to confess to the Fourth Commandment.

ME
(awed)
Wow! You’re right! Gee, you’re good at this.

PRIEST
Years of practice. Go on. You were saying something about experimenting with immoral and illegal things? Let’s get to the juicy stuff.

ME
(laughing)
Okay. Well, I’ve made it no secret that I’ve done a lot of drugs. I don’t feel that this is anything to hide, because I got so much out of it. Not only the incredible highs, but also the incredible lows.

The only reason it weighs on my conscience is because of the legality of it. But I never sold drugs, and always taught my kids that they are not to be toyed with. I always taught them that there is a line between use and abuse, that some drugs are used for religious ritual for good reason. I know the difference, because I’ve abused them as well as used them.

When used correctly, by someone with maturity, they can help to thin the veil between us and Spirit, to connect to what many call God. The problems begin when abuse enters the picture, when drugs are used for escape or mindless recreation. It’s like leaving your cell phone connected to someone you’re not talking to—you rack up the minutes, but nothing is being communicated.

PRIEST
I’ve never heard it put that way before. But if you feel that this is not a sin, then why are you even bringing it up?

ME
I guess it’s because some of my bad parenting was the result of drug abuse. I wish I had done things differently.

PRIEST
Given that it’s impossible to go back and change it, let’s look at it another way. Although your children may have been harmed back then by your irresponsibility, weren’t the lessons they learned as a result more valuable than if you only lectured them to, “Just say no,” leaving them to wonder, “Why not?” Didn’t they learn to be better parents as a result of your inability to do so? So, yes, they may have been harmed at the time but they’ve come through it and are going to be much better parents to your grandchildren than you were to them.

ME
(almost crying)
Do you think so? So I’m not a bad person for scarring their lives like that?

PRIEST
(softly)
My child, if you believe that God is Love, as you said earlier, do you really think that actions that were brought about by immaturity cannot be forgiven? Especially actions that are so deeply painful to you now, actions that you regret so profoundly?

ME
(sobbing a little)
Yes, I guess so. Thanks. I guess I should have tried this Confession thing a long time ago.
(wiping tears away and pulling it back together)
I’m beginning to feel better. Thank you.

PRIEST
You’re welcome. Is there anything else? I’m sensing something big that you’re holding back.

ME
Yes, I just don’t know how to say it. I mean, I’m talking to a priest, for God’s sake. Oops, sorry. I mean, for crying out loud.

PRIEST
What’s the real difference between the two? Crying out loud and God’s sake?

ME
(laughing)
True enough. Anyway, there are things that I don’t feel like I can bring up here, really private things. Things I’m ashamed of.

PRIEST
We don’t have to go into details. Just tell me why you’re ashamed.

ME
I guess because I’ve been taught that the things I’ve done are wrong, and I did them anyway. Not only does the Church frown on them, but I do as well. Even worse, when I hear of others doing those same things, I get all self-righteous and judgmental, and declare them to be bad. I call them slutty or immoral, or stupid and wrong. I judge people for things I’ve done myself! And so then I fear having my hypocrisy thrown in my face, when someone discovers I’ve done the same wrong things I condemn others for doing!

PRIEST
This is a very deep understanding you’re having about yourself. Pay attention to what you’re saying.

ME
What do you mean?

PRIEST
You’re saying that you’re not as ashamed of your actions as you are of your judgments against others. You’re living a life of, “Do as I say, not as I do.” You fear having your judgments thrown back at you. You know the best way to break that cycle?

ME
How?

PRIEST
Stop judging others. Allow them to be who they are, to experience what they experience, just as you have done. I gather you’ve done slutty, immoral, stupid and wrong things, because those are the exact words you throw at others. Did you gain anything from those actions? Did any of them bring you closer to a connection with what you call God?

ME
(surprised)
Yes, all of them did.

PRIEST
Then, can you allow others their own paths? Can you allow them to make the same discoveries you’ve made? Would you deny them the same learning experiences that you’ve had?

ME
Wow! No, of course I wouldn’t!
(laughing with relief)
So all I need to do to be forgiven for my sins, is to forgive others for theirs? This is very cool. Such a load off!
(thinking)
Wait, I can see how this is going to be very hard to do. In order to not sit in judgment, it’s going to be impossible to participate in most conversations. Most of the time, all people talk about is what others are doing wrong. I mean, look at the news. Look how we all judge celebrities, like Britney’s shaved head, Anna Nicole’s drugged-during-pregnancy tape or Paris Hilton’s sex tape. Look how we all love to watch the mighty get taken down at the knees for doing things “we’d never do.” Look at how, as soon as someone is put on a pedestal, there is always someone digging up their dirt to humiliate them before the public.

PRIEST
They are only humiliated when they have not forgiven themselves for their transgressions, either. They are being forced to look at them, in the most “in your face” manner possible. And we all, in our gossiping conversations, are simply projecting our fears of discovery onto others, talking about them in an effort to take the focus off of what we, ourselves, are doing or have done.

ME
Interesting…

PRIEST
So, wouldn’t it seem then that the best way to avoid judgmental conversation is to forgive yourself for all of your sins so you can see others as forgivable, too?

ME
I’d love to, but I can’t seem to do it. I keep beating myself up, with all of this garbage. I lie awake at night and torture myself with it.
(desperately)
Will you forgive me, Father?

PRIEST
I am not the One to do the forgiving. However, I’ll help you to connect to the One who can.

He puts his hand on my head and closes his eyes to pray. Even though we don’t speak the same religious language anymore, I know what he’s doing. He’s connecting to his understanding of God—an external, omnipotent being with the power to forgive. I see it as him connecting to the power of Universal Love, what I call All That Is. And as he connects—as he fills himself with the Love of what he calls God—his touch stirs it up inside me as well. I feel an upsurge of joy, of happiness so intense, that I burst into tears of gratitude.

I am forgiven. I am clean. I am absolved.

This is my Last Confession. I will now go forth and sin no more. Or, if I do, I’ll know how to forgive.

Amen.

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON THE NING SITE ON APRIL 18, 2009:

Once I announced that I’ve decided against surgery (previous blog post), I got some feedback from loved ones who were concerned that I’m letting my “new age” beliefs get in the way of my common sense. They expressed their desire that I have the surgery. They think that the doctor would not have recommended it if I didn’t need it, and that I shouldn’t be playing games with my health. I deeply appreciate their love and concern for me.

If you haven’t read my previous blog (Surgery or self-healing…) please do so if you’re interested in reading my reasons. And then let me add, once again, that the vast majority of hysterectomies are UNNECESSARY and that the one recommended for me is only for prevention purposes, not because my life is threatened at this time.

After my loved ones started working on me, I began to have my own doubts. After all, maybe they were sent as the answer to my request for guidance. Sometimes it’s hard to tell when something is a “sign” or just the 3D world running on autopilot. So I started thinking maybe I ought to reconsider.

Well, the “Universe” has made the decision for me.

Yesterday, the hospital where the doctor had scheduled the surgery called me to ask some questions about my insurance (I cancelled the surgery, so I don’t know why they were even running my insurance info). She told me that my insurance has already been terminated! I thought I had until the end of the month, but apparently not. Now I couldn’t have the surgery even if I chose to.

Well, that’s a relief. No decision to be made. Meantime, I’ve been researching my butt off. I’ve been looking for ways to do this naturally and there is a boatload of info. The task now is to whittle it down into something that works for me, personally. That’s the important thing about Shape Shifting … we are all individuals and what works for one might not work for another. It’s all about what resonates with our own circumstances. After all, it’s just a big illusion anyway. These “treatments” are nothing more than personal-meaning-infused tools, like placebos that really do pack a wallop.

I’m beginning with Bach Flower Remedies. If you’re unfamiliar, check them out. They’re amazing:

http://www.bachshop.co.uk/

Here is a link to their remedy chooser.
http://www.bachshop.co.uk/catalog/index.php?cPath=32

The prices on this site are rather high, but I found them on Amazon for about half that price. Also, you can often find them in your local health food store.

All of the research I’ve done on Bach Flower Remedies and fibroids suggest the Walnut essence, and the remedy chooser also suggested that one for me. I went ahead and added a couple other remedies for other purposes. I haven’t received them in the mail yet, but I’ll keep you updated on what I experience.

In addition, a friend of mine knows a health practitioner who has her own fibroid treatment protocol, which she has generously emailed to me. I’ve also found a couple different naturopathic suggestions online and I’m going to discuss all of the above with my naturopath when I go see her at the end of the month. I’ll let you know what I find out at that time.

Meantime, I’m doing a lot of self-Reiki (I’m a Reiki Master) and meditation based self-healing while listening to Jonathan Goldman’s 2012 Ascension Harmonics on my headphones. POWERFUL stuff! I’ve already noticed a giant shift in the way I feel.

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON THE NING SITE APRIL 15, 2009:

Here are some key points that you need to know before we go on (in case you haven’t been following my blog or read Shape Shifting … otherwise you know most of this):

1. Jeff and I got married in January so I would have insurance to take care of some nagging health issues that I haven’t been able to overcome on my own (we’ve been together 19 years so making it legal was just that).
2. My periods have always been VERY heavy and messy. Sorry if this is TMI, but get used to it…that’s what this blog is about. It’s not too late to turn back.
3. Jeff just got laid off last week, due to the state of the economy. Therefore, the magical door into affordable health care is about to close at the end of the month.

I recently had a pelvic ultrasound after the PA who did my pap smear discovered it hurt me when she pressed on my abdomen during the exam. The ultrasound revealed lots of uterine cysts and fibroid tumors which, as it turns out, cause heavy and messy periods, among other things. One of these tumors is apparently rather large. They immediately referred me to a gynecologist in a rather shitty way … called me on the phone, mispronounced my name (natch), and said, “We have your ultrasound results. I can’t tell you what they are but Doctor S. wants to refer you to a gynecologist.”

Nice, huh?

Anyway, I saw my naturopath (who had access to the ultrasound results) before the OB/GYN and asked her what she thought. She said, “The gynecologist is going to recommend a hysterectomy, I can promise you that, but they always do.” I asked if, in her opinion, I needed to do this. After all, I’m only a few years from menopause and if this condition isn’t cancerous, if it just means that I carry on the way I have been for just a little while longer … I’ve been doing it for 34 years … what’s a few more? She had no problem with that plan. (I’ve since learned that after menopause these tumors shrink on their own, because estrogen is what feeds them.)

On Monday, I saw the gynecologist and before she even had the gloves off she was insisting that I have a hysterectomy. Told me that one of the tumors is “this big,” her hand positioned as if holding a grapefruit (why are tumors always described as fruit sizes?). Even though my naturopath had warned me about this, I was still shaken and stirred by this news. Hearing a doctor declare that you need surgery, NOW, is an unsettling thing. Especially if this is something you’ve sworn never to do.

See, my mom and her mom both had hysterectomies. I always vowed to never have one. I know enough about the body/mind connection to know that tumors are created by long-held resentments/rage, and troubles in the uterine area reflect imbalance in the way one expresses one’s femininity. And I know, in my own life, that has been fairly dysfunctional. I’ve always deeply resented being a girl … rather, being treated like a second class citizen because of being a girl … having to do the housework because of being a girl … being held up to ridiculous standards of appearance and only considered visually worthy for a brief few years because of being a girl … of having God Himself think of me as “less than” because of being a girl.

So, yeah. It’s no surprise that I’m holding a lot of resentment in that area of my body, and that this resentment has become physicalized as uterine tumors.

However, it was still a shock to hear it actually verbalized by someone else, someone who wants to slice me open and rip my guts out while also saying she makes no guarantees that the surgery wouldn’t cause other problems. I even asked her if it was necessary and she said no, but, “You might have problems later.”

Talk to me again when those problems arise. No one is coming near me with a scalpel unless I’m dying.

She was pretty adamant about doing this, and wasn’t taking no for an answer, so I told her, “Besides, my insurance runs out in a couple weeks. We wouldn’t have time to do it,” because I know it takes forever to get a surgery scheduled and okayed, etc.

I’ve never seen anyone schedule a surgery so fast. Before I left the office, she had me set up for a date two weeks later, just days before I run out of insurance. Never mind “after care,” with the supposed six-week recovery period. What about follow-up appointments? What if something goes wrong? I would have no coverage … just a belly full of stitches and no one to help me take care of them.

I’m not questioning the doc’s ethics. She seemed to really believe she was doing the right thing. But the whole thing smacked of a bloody, profit-steered assembly line, instead of creating wellness for the patient … me! So I went home and started researching. Turns out a huge number of women have fibroids, and a huge number of women have unnecessary hysterectomies for this very reason. It seems that, if you’re not going to have any more kids, you might as well rip it out instead of doing the self-work necessary to clear this up naturally.

Well, I’m a Shape Shifter. I believe in my body’s ability to heal itself, as long as I’m not working against it. This means I have to stop resenting my (aging) female body and the way the world treats it … the way I treat it! This means that it’s time for me to finally embrace my femininity, even though I’m no longer considered attractive by society’s youth-obsessed standards. This means I must FINALLY allow myself to be fully female, no matter how much that scares me.

It’s the only way my body will reflect its healthiest self and, as a Shape Shifter, it’s what I must do. I’m curious to find out who I’ll be once I release one of my most defining personality traits, feminine rage. 😉

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON THE NING SITE ON APRIL 4, 2009:

I believe it’s really important to be able to objectively look at the way you were brought up … objective being the operative phrase. I don’t ever mean to blame my parents or imply that they were bad parents. They did the best they knew how, just as I did with my kids and they will with theirs, etc. If you can remove the emotion from the story, and just watch it like it was a movie, you can see through others’ motivations into the programming they’ve been dealt.

For example, my dad really thought he was being a perfect father by being super strict. My mom really thought she was being a perfect mother by being totally submissive to the man of the house. They were living the zeitgeist of the time. They didn’t know that it was producing a major mindfuck in their little girl’s head.

In fact, I was recently turned on to a book about this sort of thing that helped me a lot. One of the guests on my radio show and I were talking about digging for the causes of dysfunction, and I told her that I’ve been doing my family tree on Ancestry.com. I told her that I was amazed by how many of my ancestors on both sides of my family were straight from Germany. I always thought of myself as Maltese, which is more Mediterrenean … you know, dark hair and eyes, olive skin, etc. My last name is Maltese, and I LOOK Maltese, for crying out loud, so I was amazed by how much of my heritage is actually German.

In fact, many of my ancestors even called it Prussia in the census records, etc., which makes it even more enlightening. According to Wikipedia, “Many Prussians believed some specific ‘Prussian virtues’ were part of the reasons for the rise of their country, for instance: perfect organization, discipline, sacrifice, rule of law, obedience to authority, but also reliability, tolerance, frugality, punctuality, modesty, and diligence.”

So I was telling her about this, and she asked if I ever read a book by a German psychologist called For Your Own Good. (I have since read the book.) It’s about the cruelty of old-time German child rearing practices, and it quotes extensively from German child rearing manuals, their version of Dr. Spock books. You would not believe the abuse that these books tell you that you MUST do to your kids if you want them to be model citizens! You are told that you must break their will before they are two years old, at any cost. These child rearing manuals give detailed instructions on how to do this. (They didn’t mean to be abusive, again it was just the way things were back then.)

And then the book goes on to explain how this way of raising children led directly to not only Hitler’s personality, but the fact that he rose to power because the German people had no will of their own. They NEEDED that kind of leader, because that’s how they were raised to live and couldn’t function without being told exactly what to do.

As I was reading the book, I recognized certain phrases that my own dad used to use! I’m quite sure that he didn’t deliberately raise me to break my will … he probably wasn’t even aware of these old methods, but that’s how HE was certainly raised, and that’s what he honestly believed good parenting was.

What does this have to do with Shape Shifting and losing weight or whatever other change you’re trying to create in your life? Well, this is a very fundamental issue. What our ancestors passed on to our parents, who passed it on to us, is vitally important to be aware of. It’s what lays the foundation for how we see ourselves. If you’ve been raised to be submissive, subservient, have low self esteem, etc., then it’s going to be a long trip home if you’re not aware that this undercurrent is steering your boat.

What is your ancestry? What fundamental rules of life were laid down for you before you were even aware that there were options? I’ll bet if you look into it, you’ll find some fascinating gems.

ORIGINALLY POSTED ON THE NING SITE ON MARCH 17, 2009:

I’ve posted in my blogs that I’m working on some health issues. When I wrote the book Shape Shifting–reclaiming YOUR perfect body, I was primarily concerned with losing some weight, and I did. I lost 50 pounds. But that’s as far as I was able to go because I’m also dealing with some chronic health issues that prevent me from exercising or doing anything heavier than light, basic housework. It’s kinda hard to get in shape when you can’t move far beyond basic functioning. And THAT is what I’m currently working on Shape Shifting in my life. My intent is to bust through that barrier into being fully functional and active again.

I’m a BIG believer in body/mind medicine. Debbie Shapiro and Louise Hay really have it on the ball, as far as I’m concerned, regarding our (sometimes inherited!) thought patterns creating illness or dis-ease. The deeper I dig, the more sense it makes. And, even though I wrote in the book about some of my particulars … those I was aware of at the time … I’m still uncovering just how deep the rabbit hole goes.

To be more specific, I’m finding that a lot of my inability to move is resistance to servitude, or doing anything that I don’t want to do. At a very deep level, probably a many-lifetime level, I simply cannot abide being someone else’s bitch, for lack of a better way to put it. I deeply resent having to do work that is not of my choosing. I detest housework, which is “woman’s work,” or taking orders from anyone. (I never would have made it in the military!) And I’ve learned, not intentionally of course, that being “too sick to do it” is a very effective tool.

Let me take a moment to make myself clear. I don’t mean that I resist being of service to others. That is an entirely different thing. Servitude, to me, equals slavery. Being of Service is a giving and sharing of love, of seeing the “Other” as “Self,” of “Doing unto others, as I would have done unto me.”

Now that I’m beginning to get some relief from my “symptoms” (we all know they are nothing but illusion, of course, but that doesn’t necessarily make them any less solid) and now that I’m beginning to be able to move a little more easily and am doing heavier housework and such, I’m hearing the resistant voice of my ego saying things like, “I shouldn’t have to do this, damn it. I’m sick!” or “This shouldn’t be MY job, damn it. Why do I have to do everything?”

So what I’m working on is pushing through this thick veil into a lightness of being, into being able to pick and choose what I do willingly, without using illness as my excuse not to. When I hear that voice, which used to trigger a physical reaction of instant weakness and sometimes collapse, I remind myself that I am Shape Shifting into a healthier state of being and that, yes, I can physically do the task, even if I wish I didn’t have to.

Okay, so now we have that. In the meantime, I’ve been sent for every test appropriate for a woman my age. Many days I have more than one doctor’s appointment (last week I had SEVEN, believe it or not). Mostly what I’m doing is having all the required tests that you’re “supposed” to have when you have insurance, like mammogram, bone density, blah blah blah, but they also have me going to a cardiologist for a bunch of stuff.

Fortunately, I’m finding that there isn’t anything dastardly wrong … nothing fatal, just annoying and intrusive. I mean, I kinda knew that, but I also knew that I was out of balance somewhere but didn’t know where to begin. At least having some sort of diagnosis gives me an idea what I should be focusing on healing, naturally. Also, fortunately, they aren’t pushing a lot of prescriptions on me. The doctors’ office I’m attending has an overall holistic theme, even if they are mostly MD’s and their Naturopath can’t legally take my insurance. But once I get all the tests done and covered by the insurance, I can see her and just pay her fee with the ground work already done.

In an interesting sidebar, I have hooked up with someone from my past who is supplying an incredibly important piece of my Shape Shifting puzzle. The sister of my high school sweetheart (boy, were we in love!!!!) sent me a friend request on Facebook, “out of the blue.” He died 13 years ago and I’ve never really gotten over the grief of not being able to say goodbye. She’s been sending me pictures of him, and we’ve been talking a LOT. Lots of closure and healing. But the amazing part is that his appearance at this time, specifically, means a lot because it’s reminding me of my healthiest physical vibration, the one I expressed as a teenager. So while I’m doing all this healing work, I’m being given a vibrational set point to anchor into.

I love how this stuff works out.

Also, the Diary is getting closer to going to press every day. The cover is about done, and in the meantime I’m using a draft copy to make sure there are no more kinks to be worked out. I think I finally have it perfected. I’m enjoying using it, and that’s saying a LOT. I never stick to these kinds of things, but this book is keeping my interest AND I’m seeing increidble results with it.